Why I sucked at relationships…

[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”default” da_disable_devices=”off|off|off” global_colors_info=”{}” da_is_popup=”off” da_exit_intent=”off” da_has_close=”on” da_alt_close=”off” da_dark_close=”off” da_not_modal=”on” da_is_singular=”off” da_with_loader=”off” da_has_shadow=”on”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.7.7″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.14.5″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]

I remember the exact moment I knew my marriage was over.  It was 11 pm and I had just arrived home from a 12-hour day.  I went to the kitchen to make myself a hot drink before I headed to bed, and my ex-husband was incensed that I left the teaspoon on the wrong part of the kitchen side.  I remember him hissing at me why are you so thoughtless as I moved the spoon back to its rightful place and apologised, having no energy to argue.  My internal voice said loud and clear I’ve had enough, no more.  It took me a couple more weeks to finally end things, but it was at that moment I hit my limit.

So why am I telling you this? Partly it is the time of year, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year supposedly where the media tell us that if we are without a significant other then we are somehow less than.  The other part though is that I have been wanting to tell this story and help others for several years.

I was in, what I now see, was an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 12 years.  It didn’t start that way of course, because I would never have entered it.  I was the frog in the pot analogy.  Put a frog in boiling water and it will jump out, but put the frog in cold water and very gradually heat it and the frog will boil before it notices.  This was me.  I remember thinking if I could only try harder, be more understanding, do more for him then he will be happy.  Nothing worked, and at some point (after 11 years of trying!), I realised that no matter what I did, a relationship takes two parties to work.

I found myself at the age of 34 single for the first time as an adult and alone.  It was both freeing and terrifying all at once.  I consider myself an emotionally intelligent and strong person, and I became obsessed with why I would make these choices, and why, unlike my professional life, I just couldn’t get it together romantically.  So I started to explore different theories and engage in some inner work.

Quite quickly I fell upon the issue of attachment.  I genuinely felt like a light bulb had gone off.  Attachment styles were discovered by John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst who was studying the distress of infants when separated from their caregivers.  From the work of Bowlby and his colleague Mary Ainsworth they found that most infants fell into three categories of attachment.  These were secure, anxious, and avoidant.

Secure infants cried when separated but were easily soothed once their parents returned.  Anxious infants were extremely distressed when separated, but when the parents returned they seemed torn between accepting comfort and wanting to punish their parents for leaving.  Finally, the third group of infants called avoidants did not seem to be too distressed by their parent’s absence, and when they returned they did not go to them, preferring to play with a toy on the floor.

So why am I telling you this?  Well as human’s we all have attachment styles that are created in our childhood and then later in life applied to our adult relationships.  The majority of us will keep the same attachment style throughout our lives, but some of us due to life experiences (for example abuse in a relationship) will change our attachment style.

I discovered that for a myriad of reasons I have an anxious attachment style and my ex-partner was extremely avoidant.  These two attachment styles are not a good mix and confirm each other’s worst fears.  Being in a relationship with an avoidant for me only created further anxiety and made me feel like I was on a constant rollercoaster.

I strongly believe that understanding what attachment is and learning our attachment styles is fundamental to relationship success, either with a partner or alone.  For me, this is information that should be taught to everyone, and I didn’t want others to go through the same painful process I had to get to this understanding. Thankfully with a lot of research, I have put together strategies to help anyone insecure in their attachment.

So, if you feel like the relationship you want is always out of reach, if you are on dating apps but having no luck there may be some foundational blocks standing in your way.  Dealing with your attachment issues is the first step in the journey for relationship success.  I bet you think strategically about your career choices, so why not apply that to your relationships?  I did and I am pleased to say that I am in the best relationship of my life, with someone who shares my values, meets my needs, and is emotionally available to me.  It may not last forever, but I now have the knowledge and strategies to manage if something were to happen.

If you are struggling then I have good news.  I have launched a training course in attachment styles that are perfect for anyone who wants a deeper insight into how they relate to others, whether you are currently single or in a relationship.  Enroll here!

 

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]

Level 3 Diamond Timetable

Exam Series Module No. of sessions Dates
March 2024
M2 & M3
6
15th Jan, 29th Jan, 5th Feb, 19th Feb, 26th Feb, 4th Mar
May 2024
M4
3
15th Apr, 22nd Apr, 29th Apr
July 2024
M5
3
3rd June, 10th June, 24th June
Nov 2024
M1
3
7th Oct, 21st Oct, 4th November
Mar 2025
M2&M3
6
13th Jan, 20th Jan, 27th Jan, 10th Feb, 24th Feb, 3rd March
May 2025
M4
3
7th Apr, 14th Apr, 28th Apr
July 2025
M5
3
2nd June, 16th June, 30th June

Level 6 Diamond Timetable

Exam Series Module No. of sessions Dates
March 2024
M2 & M5
5
25th Jan, 1st Feb, 8th Feb, 22nd Feb, 29th Feb
May 2024
M4 & M7
4
18th April, 25th April, 2nd May, 9th May
July 2024
M3 & M8
5
30th May, 20th June, 27th June, 4th July, 11th July
November 2024
M1
3
10th Oct, 24th Oct, 7th Nov
Mar 2025
M2 & M5
5
30th Jan, 6th Feb, 13th Feb, 27th Feb, 6th Mar
May 2025
M4 & M7
4
3rd April, 10th April, 1st May, 8th May
July 2025
M3 & M8
5
5th June, 12th June, 19th June, 26th June, 3rd July

Level 5 Diamond Timetable

Exam Series Module No. of sessions Dates
March 2024
M5, M15 & M9
4
31st Jan, 7th Feb, 21st Feb, 28th Feb, 6th March
May 2024
M3 & M8
4
10th April, 17th April, 24th April, 1st May
July 2024
M4
3
5th June, 11th June, 26th June
November 2024
M1 & M2
5
9th Oct, 16th Oct, 23rd Oct, 30th Oct, 6th Nov
Mar 2025
M15, M5, M9
5
29th Jan, 5th Feb, 12th Feb, 26th Feb, 5th March
May 2025
M3 & M8
4
9th April, 16th April, 30th April, 7th June
July 2025
M4
3
4th June, 18th June, 2nd July

Level 4 Diamond Timetable

Exam Series Module No. of sessions Dates
March 2024
M3, M5, M7
6
23rd Jan, 30th Jan, 6th Feb, 20th Feb, 27th Feb, 5th March
May 2024
M4 & M6
4
9th April, 16th April, 23rd April, 30th April
July 2024
M8
3
4th June, 18th June, 3rd July
November 2024
M1 & M2
5
8th Oct, 15th Oct, 22nd Oct, 29th Oct, 5th Nov
March 2025
M3, M5, M7
5
29th Jan, 5th Feb, 12th Feb, 26th Feb, 5th March
May 2025
M4 & M6
4
8th April, 15th April, 29th April, 6th June
July 2025
M8
3
10th June, 24th June, 8th July